This thought hit me this morning as I got my water bottle and my strength-training journal out and went to the shed. I hadn’t been working out in days (had to close late, open early, operating on 3-4 hours sleep a night most of the past week… I needed rest badly), and that usually spells the beginning of the end.

I’ve experienced setbacks in my workout routine dozens of times. I spent decades going a step forward only to end up 2 steps backward. The past two years, I began to really re-educate myself about my health and what I needed, and it became more 1 step forward, 1 step back. I was hoping like crazy it wouldn’t be that way this time, that I’d find a way to keep that forward momentum going

And I did. I didn’t spend a single moment talking myself out of working out, didn’t sit there and go “well, you could do something else that needs doing instead.” Didn’t forget to put on my workout clothes or forget to check what cardio I was going to do.

I stepped right back into exercise mode like I’d never stopped.

I was surprised that I could just jump back in without forcing it, without giving myself a pep-talk and a reminder of what my goals are. I’d always had to do that and sometimes in my mind I’d be screaming at myself to remember what the point was, that I needed to be better for myself and my health.

At the same time, I was NOT surprised. My goals are more necessary, challenging, but I’ve found the right things to tackle this time. I have actual goals to work toward beyond getting healthy and losing X amount of weight. I have a fixed date where I have a goal to reach: running the marathon.

Losing weight was a goal that’s too dependent on my willpower, general health, etc., and the goalposts could always be moved. The marathon is fixed, so I can’t make excuses or “make it up later.” There IS no later. There’s the date and what I can do to reach that goal in the meantime.

I just wish I’d thought of this sooner. Knowing I didn’t have to convince myself to do what needed doing felt like a damned good victory over that pesky excuse-making victim in my head, the one I keep trying to convince to be better and LET ME be better overall.

I still have so much that needs doing, much to learn and improve upon (I HAVE to get some more calories in me because I had to take a nap before work, I was so drained… fell asleep partway through drafting this post), but I’m so eager and determined to do it right, more determined than ever before. It’s like that little childish victim in me finally rubbed it’s eyes and realized that change was really possible and it didn’t need to be afraid anymore.

I am a bit scared that I’m messing things up, that I’m really not up for what I’m doing, but I’m fed up with letting that fear take over me every time I try to make changes that are absolutely needed. This health change is going to extend to other areas of my life, and I’m feeling a bit bolder each day, feeling like even with the tiniest steps, they’re all still moving forward.

Progress, NOT perfection.

And that’s a bloody good victory each day.