I wish it was as easy to hit an “undo” button on life moments as it is on a word processor, that you can go back and make corrections on decisions before they spiral.

It doesn’t work that way, though. We have to keep going ahead, or at least try as hard as we can.

I spent the past month stalled with a few sputtering restarts, much like my car engine weeks ago. But my constant gritting of teeth has left me with a 3 day headache and maybe 4 hours of sleep each night. I’ve woken up around 3am most mornings in the past 10 days. Today I managed to get a nap (which helped my bleary eyes) and was in a clear enough state of mind to do some changes once my vision cleared.

I’d made small starts to change things, but the weren’t sticking right. Today I’m clearing away some of the distractions and making lists. I have to get up for an early shift in the morning, so I can’t stay up and do it all, but it’s a start.

I’m at that point again where I will need to look for another job. I know, I know: “Didn’t you JUST get another job?” Well it’s a seasonal one and I’m not getting many hours at all. I don’t feel like I’m getting much training at all, and I need to find something better.

I got close to other jobs, or thought I might, and then they fell through. That grocery store FINALLY called me back about a job, the one I’d applied to dozens of times over the years, and I was being sent around the carousel of interviews with a “we’ll call you back”… and they didn’t. The problem is my schedule: apparently needing half an hour of leeway cuts me out of the running.

More than that, it’s NOT EVEN FULL TIME!!!

This is what pisses me off about employers: they want you to have full, wide-open availability, only to give you about 15 hours a week. Uh, what? I have property taxes and bills to pay, and 15 hours a week is gonna have me living out of my car in a few months, so I HAVE to have another job. But having another job means you aren’t widely available anymore and they’ll have to spend some time working on the schedule instead of just cutting and pasting the same one every week.

Oh dear, that means they’ll have to earn that FULL TIME PAYCHECK, won’t they?

Every year my pay gets worse, and this is the worst yet. I am looking hard for a full-time job that will actually pay. My last restaurant job earned me overtime a few times and I was scheduled full time, but the hourly pay was so low even getting overtime barely put a dent in my debts.

Good gravy, I don’t need to be a millionaire to be happy (though I would definitely not turn down a million dollars if it was offered, obviously), but I do need to be able to keep what I have and make improvements to my house, save up for a rainy day, stuff like that. Eventually I’ll need another car, have to fix my generator, fill the holes in the yard left by wild pigs last season, put insulation in my shed, get pest control out to check the crawlspace under my house and clear out what’s living under there (pretty sure it’s a family of possums).

The little things about home ownership that build up over time that nobody tells you about… (sigh).

This need to pay my bills and find another job has taken over every bit of my brain space. I’m going to see if I can find that staffing service in the area and if they can give me some advice after shift tomorrow (going to do some research on questions I should ask, what I could do, or if they even allow me to walk in). I don’t mind physical labor, and actually I prefer it to working on a computer (or having to talk) for hours on end.

When I move around a lot, I smile more and I’m happy. It’s those exercise endorphins at work, so if I can get my foot in the door in some warehouse logistics or inventory job (I like sorting things and counting things, dunno why), that would be great, especially if it was at least $20 an hour. If it was closer to Houston proper, it’d have to be more to compensate for my gas and wear & tear on my car, but I’d do it.

And that brings me to exercise. Haven’t tried in weeks because of illness, lack of sleep, all that stuff. So yeah, that depression and lethargy set in nicely… and with it comes forgetting to eat right, forgetting my vitamins, which all brings about my anemia and then it gets worse.

Today I did myself some favors. Refilled my water bottle, minimized the coffee intake, and took my vitamins before my afternoon meal (after my re-energizing nap).

So tonight I’m clearing out some problems I overlooked, applying to a few positions, washing sheets, finishing the dishes, making a MORE REALISTIC schedule for exercise in all weather for winter, and finishing my doorstops.

The needlepoint work is a cheap hobby for the most part, and it’s like my own type of fidget-spinner. I keep my fingers busy while I think, and I worked hard with the three I have left the past two days. I was too mentally tired to do much else, and with my tired eyes & muscle memory, I could do it without looking much. The rhythm of the stitching helped me get my brain to reboot a bit. Needlepoint is like something I can control, even if nothing really useful gets done. But I need to put something useful, like exercise, back on the map, as well as chores that I CAN take care of.

And in a little bit, I’m going to do something I’ve avoided because of the mess of my brain the past month: I’m writing in my journal to clear out the rest of the cobwebs today’s nap loosened up in my noggin.

So yeah, tomorrow’s definitely going to be a new day, and the reboot I need. And I’m going to have to make some major choices between my jobs very quickly. I feel like there’s a clock above my head, telling me I’m running out of time on decisions to make… and this week is the time to make serious moves.