This two-week spread has reminded me that progress is rarely a straight, forward moving line for long. There’s a lot of backtracking and overlapping territory involved if you want to get things right. It feels like going back to find a few stitches that got skipped by the sewing machine somehow. You have to make adjustments, rip a few stitches out to find the trouble, and then backtrack a bit to cover up any fraying & resume over the path you’d already planned out.

I woke up to cramping again behind my leg and until I get my nutrients where they need to be, I’ll be at the risk of getting injured for longer. I did learn something finally last night: when my sleep is erratic and I can’t get enough of it, not only does my desire to exercise start disappearing, but I tend to crave carbs BADLY.

More specifically, sugar.

I had done pretty well limiting my sugar the past few weeks until this last one. I’m not the kind of person who walks around yelling that carbs are the devil and never to eat them (considering how important they are for running fuel, that wouldn’t help me at all), but added sugars and sweet snacks are something I was getting used to doing without. I do put a bit of sugar in my morning coffee, but that’s about all the added sugar I would have in the course of a day for the past month, and it worked out fine.

So, what went wrong? Why was I craving sugary stuff like donuts and PB&J sandwiches, even making myself ill eating them while wanting more anyway?

I figured out the lack of sleep I’d struggled with the past two weeks put me at a breaking point with keeping away from sugar.

When I had the energy to exercise, eating sweets and sugary stuff was so far from my mind I’d convinced myself I’d licked my sugar addiction. But when times got rough, it came roaring back. Yesterday was my breaking point and I decided to re-do my reading list and get one of my books on sugar addiction out and start working on it.

My journaling and this blog helped me figure that out, because I know sometimes if I’m in a bad mood, I might make excuses or “forget” things that would actually help me, there by rewriting my own history because of forgetfulness or an agenda (kinda like Memento) down the line. Lies we tell ourselves can be the worst of all, and my two writing outlets keep me accountable more effectively. It’s hard to write down everything, but at different times, things surface that need to be mentioned… then you read between the lines and figure out what went wrong or right.

I knew things were going wrong when my journaling started to slip. I’d been consistent for weeks there, too, and then because I was “too distracted” or “too tired”, I’d delay writing and end up skipping days.

When I started paying attention to what I’d been eating, and why I felt like crap and had no energy to exercise, the sudden glut of sugar became obvious. My suspected ADHD (no funds for a proper diagnosis or meds right now) took care of the rest. I went back to old terrible habits and last night I made a deal with myself that yesterday was the LAST day I was doing that.

I got off work before closing & was tired enough that I went to sleep early, catching up on some of that missing rest I needed. I’m a bit headachy and groggy today, but I will have some coffee (with far less sugar than the past week), get my meals planned out today and tomorrow, and take some vitamins to make up for the lack.

I didn’t even remember to take my multivitamins for days, and it’s no wonder I became reliant on sugar to get me going (the irony being I had FAR LESS energy when I took in that sweet stuff versus successfully avoiding it for weeks… go figure). But being anemic, I need my iron up, and not taking those vitamins and iron supplement because of “forgetfulness” and brain fog that sugar brings my way has made my energy backslide.

Well, I have the pill box for the week next to me now, the supplement bottles ready to refill. I had stacked a few things on the table where I keep my supplements and that put them out of sight and out of mind. I’m re-arranging my space so that I don’t do that again.

Those weeks without sugar were a life-saver, and now that I reflected and have seen the damage, I’m determined more than ever to cut out excess sugar. I made myself sick yesterday eating so much of it (and some free food at work, which created a binge) and promised myself it was going to be the LAST day.

These two weeks I have new priorities to focus on:

• Get to sleep early as you can on late shifts, get up by 7 am anyway
• Cut out excess sugar. No impulse buys of carb-heavy stuff, especially processed junk carbs that won’t help you nutritionally
• Get back into my exercise routine. If I “don’t feel up to it” and it’s not a “rest day”, just do a little short program… it’ll usually lead to doing more when I’ve found that momentum.
• Go through my cookbooks and the sales ads so when I get paid, I can make a meal plan for the next couple of weeks. Fresh foods and salads, overnight oats, etc. And LOTS of bananas… these cramps are driving me nuts because supplement potassium just isn’t enough.
• Journal daily, even if I don’t think I have anything to write about. And do it early in the day. I need to get the clutter out of my head to improve my focus.

I can’t wait to get back on track. Today’s gonna be another day of cashiering at work, which means a lot of walking around but also a lot of time to clean and read without too many distractions (fewer servers with loud convos hanging around for once). I’ll be able to get a LOT of mental work done today and I suspect the next two weeks will be very interesting.