It’s something I have wondered about for some time. Generally speaking I’m THAT person who chats with pretty much anyone about anything. It’s been a quirk of mine that developed into a habit when things were getting stressful or I felt someone might need a chuckle at least.

I became that oddball sitcom character who drops a few lines for a laugh and exits stage left. I’ve had people ask me if I ever went into stand-up comedy because of it, and some employers actually appreciated that quirkiness and humor in my customer service roles (more straight-laced ones were far less amused and I started looking for the exit a few times).

I’m that person who starts short conversations in the checkout line at the grocery store.

I’m that person who will point out where to find things in a store, even if I don’t work there, just because I happened to need to find that thing before.

I’m that person who tries to condense stale info and throw in some wisecracks to make it easier to remember and to keep my own spirits up when I’m tired.

I’m that person desperate to be busy who ends up doing things that aren’t even in my job description just because I felt it needed doing sooner rather than later.

I admit I have this desire to feel useful more than anything, and I figure being a pleasant, helpful person is the best thing I have going for me at the moment. I’m sure I annoy the hell out of plenty of folks I’ve come across over the years, but this is me.

The trouble is, it’s a rather lonely road I’m traveling down.

Over time, I’ve lost family and friends who could not understand or tolerate my tendencies. They either just wanted me to be quiet and leave them alone, or they wanted me to be just like them and not try to change anything. My helpfulness was not considered helpful to them, and I withdrew so as not to be bothersome.

I could offer to help anyone and would, but even today, I have to fight showing my confusion when someone wants to reciprocate. There is a LOT about interpersonal communication I’ve had to try and learn over the years. I’ve become a caretaker-type of person, no matter who it is in my path, and put myself on the back-burner to the point where invisibility was my preferred state for years.

It’s easy for me to be kind and friendlier to strangers than those who are family or friends. There aren’t as many expectations because there’s no real history there.

I’ve been obese for decades, was mocked for working out and ridiculed for doing nothing in turns by family, so a lot of fat-shaming growing up. Though the main antagonist of THAT bit of awfulness is in the ground now, others in the family have just been less vocal about it. I was also a bit of a recluse and terrible with social cues, so going out there as a fundraiser when I used to break into a sweat asking my dad for gas money back in the day would make no sense to them.

I am a work in progress.

More than that, I want to take my time to build a base of support and continual giving. I would hate for the “giving” by family and friends to be like how folks feel about school fundraisers and giving to prevent a perceived guilt trip. That feels more like coercion rather than a genuine desire to help, and I already feel awkward about asking for funds.

At least the Houston Food Bank has transparency and you can research what they need the money for, unlike those crazy school things. And that’s why this year I chose them as the cause I can run for. It also covers my run fee if I raise enough before November.

I like doing what I can online and letting folks be anonymous versus trying to get the same people to continue donating each time. That way, there’s no pressure to continually help out and give. Would I love for folks to contribute constantly? Hells yeah, who wouldn’t? But would I want to guilt them into it? No.

Other than brief mentions to some neighbors and regulars at work, I don’t talk to those I’m close to about what I’m doing with marathon training. I’m going to have to eventually bring up the fundraising info, but it’s not natural for me yet. Besides, we’re all fundraising for a co-worker’s family situation where we can, so that’s my ultimate priority for the next week.

I’m taking the time to figure out the best way to let people know what’s going on and just put the ball in their court. I know when times are tough, it’s sometimes hard to give, but I’m happy to give them info they can pass along instead. When this current fundraiser is done, I will probably print up cards with the website info so the donation goes to sponsoring me and counting toward my pledge before race month.

It’s going to be interesting learning how to get out of my shell in the next 170-ish days.