I had just fallen asleep a couple hours ago when my phone rang and it was a co-worker needing clarification on something. I gave it, and then before hanging up, I heard that apparently there was some discrepancy with the paperwork and money when I’d been there earlier and we’d have to figure it out in the morning.

Well, being me, that thought was not gonna freaking leave me alone.

Now it’s almost 1 a.m., I have to get up to get ready for the day in 5 hours, and yet I’m sitting here letting it stew in my head because I can’t figure out what the hell kind of mistake was made and how I did it.

I hate to be that person, but I am a “dweller.” I dwell on things I can’t control in the moment and worry about them til I get so angry with myself or so tired that I just shut down. Or both. I hate making mistakes, especially when it means someone else may have to deal with them. I’m hoping it’s easily fixable in the morning or I’m gonna have a lousy shift.

That’s rich, considering I’m already starting off with a lousy night of sleep. And I was hoping to get my sleep back on track tonight. Instead, all my mistakes and regrets are creating a traffic pileup in my head that will require me to basically pass out from exhaustion and stress.

My personal life has been disappointment after disappointment this month, and little things like this seem to drag all the “worst of” moments back to the surface. Mistakes (or perceived ones) just make it harder to push through and remember that it’s all about progress, NOT perfection.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve made much progress in the past few weeks. Every time I think I’m going to, I slide back and get distracted or bogged down. That’s in everything I’m doing: my job, opportunity searches, and even marathon training. I can feel that bloody deadline clock ticking in the distance and it mocks me.

And I don’t mean the one on my front page. I mean the one I’ve had set up my whole life, the one that says “you’ve gone down this road for this many years, but have only ended up at THAT point?” It’s a constant refrain that’s hit me every year around this time. It used to only affect me in August because it’s my birthday month and I’d be irritated at the lack of progress in my life. Now it’s started in July because of the mountain of “bad luck” events in the past 7 or 8 years.

I used to hate August because I could only focus on “I’m about to be X age and I STILL haven’t managed to accomplish A, B, C…” Yeah, it was a downer. I treated life like a checklist, that certain things were supposed to get done by some arbitrary timeline on the adulting calendar, and you were a loser if it didn’t work out that way.

I had to get away from those perfectionist drives, or at least try REALLY hard. I had to make it about “progress” and NOT “perfection.” But with the long line of calamities that have occurred in the past few months, and this catastrophuck of a July, I’m wondering if it’s still “progress” if you’re just trying to stand still and get your feet back underneath you. My world’s been teetering and I felt like I’ve been drunkenly staggering to stay upright as it swayed and shifted under my feet, but not feeling as if I’ve moved forward at all.

Perhaps that’s the best I have been able to manage the past month, and it’s still valid.

Perhaps recognizing that will allow me to make the morning, the rest of the week, and my usually-dreaded August better.

Too much of my stress comes from anticipation and dread over things I cannot quite control. I definitely can’t control the timeframe when employers should be getting back to me (my heart sinks each day when I see no response in my inbox or texts), or when my bills are due, or when my work schedule is changed for the umpteenth time and I can’t get things done around the house, forcing me to push more things behind.

I actually resolved yesterday to just wake up at the same time each day, regardless how much sleep I got the night before. I must acknowledge that I’m an early bird and get started accordingly… though that plan’s out the window for today. At least it’s supposed to be a shorter shift than yesterday’s and I’ll be able to train again after work. I have a lot of catching up to do, after all, and I’m sick of waiting for things to be better before making moves.

Even if the circumstances aren’t perfect, I need to get these things done. And keep searching for what will make me progress further down the road.

At least I’m calmer now that I’ve written this out, and the fretful voices have diminished enough that I can think of that Neibuhr quote and make it my mantra (and closer for this entry today):