I was supposed to be off work yesterday and get some things done at home finally after 6 days of shifts in a row. However, someone I respect at work had a major tragedy and I didn’t hesitate to go in for her shift. I only got the explanation later, but when she asks in the first place, it means something big is going on. I’m a bit tired still after yesterday’s craziness & I’m gearing up for a long closing shift today, too, but it can’t be helped. Because we’re we’re in the middle of some restructuring, training, trying to hire more people, this whole week will require more of me than ever before.

I’m going to be a tired wreck, but it doesn’t hold a candle to what she’s going through, so I’m sucking it up and doing what I can to make it so work is far from her mind at this point. She deserves that.

The trouble is I have no idea what to expect for this week and what will happen to my short and long term plans. A selfish part of me is upset that I’m going to lose sleep and not be able to eat properly or exercise, because at the rate I’m going with missing workouts, there’s no way in hell I will be able to even approach the marathon in 6 months.

But I have to remind myself that there are bigger things out there… it just feels sucky. July is already a rotten month for me because of my own family tragedies in the past few years (and Twix passing last week just compounded it), and actually several co-workers have had bad things happen with family this month and in previous Julys too.

That’s what I think hit me most when I got to thinking about this. This summer has had a lot of folks I know (at work AND my neighbors, even) just get hit with really bad news, and the constant upheaval from the regular makes me feel like several of us are going quietly mad if it continues. The change in schedule because of events outside of our control has led to a lot of uncertainty, a lot of last-minute changes… I just hope I’m not the one who ends up at wit’s end somehow, because I don’t explode prettily.

I wondered why in the past month I’ve had so much difficulty with getting back on track with my health goals and my routine. It’s hard to establish when things are forced to change almost daily, and you don’t even know if you’ll be able to make yourself a meal, start a cleaning project, or even shower because they need you a lot sooner all of a sudden.

I was meant to jump back into my routine this morning, but because I needed sleep more than anything last night, I slept in. And I have to go in earlier than other days because they need coverage while meetings are going on, so not enough time to do exercise, eat, shower, and prep for work while caring for the pets.

But when there’s an emergency, there’s only so much you can do, and I have to remind myself that this situation is temporary and I have a journal to write in when my frustrations want to boil over, or I can stress-clean when I am too fidgety and need to wind down… it’s going to be a week where I’m going to keep occupied and try to watch my eating habits again (I’ve let them get out of hand for a week and it’s time to remind myself of what I need most).

Most of all, I’m fighting helpless numbness. I can’t really do anything but be there and do my job… but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. At the same time, I have legendary social awkwardness and foot-in-mouth syndrome in regular interactions; dealing with mourning means I’m better off keeping silent and moving in the background right now. Words often fail me when I need them most in these kinds of situations.

I just hope for the best and to keep it together as a manager this week. At least Mondays generally aren’t crazy unless it’s a holiday, so we got that going for us. More than that, I hope that my co-worker has her family around her at this time to help her handle what comes next and helping her heal.