I admit my tendency to get down on myself, to catastrophize, second-guess my every decision. I’ve still been fretting about paychecks to come and the ever present bills, but somehow it doesn’t feel the same.

I think with the new job has come a new outlook on possibilities. This particular job at the entertainment complex is NOT giving me nearly enough hours to pay the bills, but the stress level is FAR lower than what I was experiencing in my other job, my confidence has improved, and I feel more like I belong and am appreciated. It’s slow going because we’re mostly all new and still getting to know each other, but we’re figuring things out as a team.

I think this is the first time I’ve really felt like part of a team in ages, and it’s growing on me. I’ve been too used to having to do everything myself, and sometimes when bored I’ll just start working on things that need it. The difference is others join in because–like me–they know they’ll probably be told to do it anyway and/or they’re bored during the slow parts, too, and don’t wanna be caught on camera on their phones.

I am growing to love my new job because the guests are pretty great and I’m learning new things each day. I just wish we had more work hours. Last week was a fluke because of the grand reopening and we all needed to be there and helping, but now the labor costs have to be cracked down on. The good thing is it’s practically ALL evening shifts (except maybe on the weekends), so that leaves me the opportunity to find another job for the mornings. And if the timing is right, I could even work a full-time position.

I had hoped to only have to balance one job to pay the bills, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. As long as that first job doesn’t have me talking my head off, I’ll be okay (I lost my voice for 3 straight days last year because I went from only talking during tutoring for about 15 hours a week to my fast food cashier job, which bumped my “talking hours” up to 60 easily. My vocal cords couldn’t handle the strain.).

I did myself a small favor, though. Many of the positions I wouldn’t mind working in ask about forklift certifications or pallet jacks, so I found some OSHA approved online courses for training on them and paid yesterday. Tomorrow my plan is to work on those courses and then throw a bunch of applications in for locations around here. I won’t be official yet (that won’t happen until I’ve done hands-on training at whatever place I work for & they sign off that I’m competent to use the equipment), but it’s a step in the right direction.

My goal is to get my foot in the door and learn. When I get more stable and can save, I can branch out into more online opportunities. I already enjoy my serving job and don’t want to give it up. I just hope I get the coursework done soon (and get answers from jobs I already applied to). I have plenty of evenings off to do self-education and mornings off to start road walking/jogging this week.

I just find it funny that it always seems to be my fate to find jobs I really like, but they don’t pay me (or work me) enough to pay the bills. I wish that wasn’t the case, but perhaps the time will help me find what I need. My bestie called me earlier and we got talking, and she lamented the lack of pay and opportunities I seem to have around here. I told her that perhaps my need to stay down here (she lives across the country now in the northwest) just means a chance to find my place in this world. I don’t feel particularly talented about anything, and probably below-average in modern skill sets (working on that)… but I can make strangers crack a smile or laugh, and be extra helpful. Perhaps that’s why I’m still here and what I’m needed for.

Just wish it paid a bit better… I need to look into stand-up comedy again, or comedy writing and see if I can do some stuff there.

In the meantime, the job board it is. But I feel a lot less hopeless this week than I did a month ago, and that makes a helluva lot of difference.