It’s funny how much I say I hate wallowing in depressed thoughts, but when things aren’t going so well and I can’t distract myself from reality enough… the wallowing becomes a steady thing for a few days. I had a bit of a touch of it a couple of weeks ago and figured out today that I just need to rip the bandage off and get over these feelings already.

I’d been on a depressive slide for two weeks, but just now realized it.

I’m in a strange place where I’m putting too much pressure on myself and not enough at the same time. I’m trying so many changes that are absolutely necessary for my physical and mental well being, but I forgot my tendency to overplan and burn out every time I do it. My mind shut down and I’ve been spending time doing little unimportant tasks in an attempt to be busy because I let myself get overwhelmed.

Sleep.

Nutrition.

Exercise.

I have let all 3 parts of the triangle falter and it collapsed this week.

I realized that I had forgotten what the point was in all this, and that put me in a panic. I began going through the motions, but not with any real focus, and it scared me how easily I could slide back into those old, lazier habits I used to have.

I spent the past 16 hours resting and contemplating why I was here and what I was trying to do. What’s the point?

My short answer is “to find happiness.”

That’s not to say that I believe losing weight and running the marathon and changing my diet will bring it all together in one nice, neat package. Life is made of the bitter and the sweet, and we’ll encounter both at different points. I think it’s more “to find happiness within myself,” to feel like I can actually accomplish something and that I’m not just drifting through life.

This morning I came up with the uncomfortable realization that I have to add another thing to work on to the pile: I have to search hard for more work.

I have the unfortunate tendency to find jobs I don’t mind doing at least and some jobs I’ve grown to enjoy… but they don’t pay me enough to stay ahead of the bills for long. The last job changes created more of a lateral move financially. All that effort only to end up back at the same place, and next year looks bleak if I can’t get ahead and progress.

My goals to be more of a volunteer are in jeopardy if I can’t get ahead, and my need to educate myself and learn some skills won’t work out if I can’t get some wiggle room in the wallet. I may have to pay for courses and certifications (I think I have some I need to renew in the next few months), or some equipment that needs upgrading. I also have a home I have to take care of, and the more I go outside to look around, the more the chores pile up that I can’t put a dent in yet (if we don’t get a drop of rain today, I’ll be a mowing fool in the morning).

Some things are beyond my control, but some things are NOT and I have to try hard to remember what it is that I CAN do in the meantime. What is it that I have and that I can currently work with?

Well, I have work tonight, and even though I need the tips (haven’t been a server in a month, so this is gonna be “interesting” at best), I just want a smooth night more than anything. But a smooth night where I can do some stress cleaning will help me think. I think that’s what I like about managing nights the most on normal nights: the stress cleaning, so I can recharge my social battery.

But I can’t always do that, and more than that, I feel more drained and alone each day I go in. I felt some excitement for months when I was going in to work, but each day I feel more isolated and totally alien compared to everyone else. This is a helluva sign that I need to dedicate a good chunk of time to getting new job skills for online work, and perhaps another job entirely.

So yeah, the morning’s “pity party” is gonna give way to some journaling and brainstorming tonight. Tomorrow is dedicated to yardwork and putting my realizations into action, and lacing up those running shoes again when all is said and done. The summer heat has risen so rapidly the past few weeks and that has created an impact that I didn’t anticipate (forgot how bad days can get when the sweat already starts going down your back at 7:30 a.m.)