I skipped the middle questions and rhymes, which are more kid-related issues and absurd stuff, but those lines that begin & end the poem have crept up in my mind so often when things aren’t going so well, or when I LET MYSELF THINK THAT.

Trying to keep positive when you’re veering off into a completely different direction in life can be difficult, and when the end result is so far away, it’s easy for those “Whatifs” to make themselves known. You start doubting yourself and your every decision, how others will respond to you, how long you’ll keep up with it, all those things.

I used to joke that I’d failed at so many things in my life that I’m surprised I haven’t died of sheer incompetence yet. Self-deprecating humor was a staple and I still sometimes resort to it to make others feel better or try to laugh off my situation or disappointments. Now I’ve grown to understand that constantly doing that is just negativity given with a smile in a way that few will say anything against because YOU yourself are the target and no one else.

Those “whatifs” are paralyzing and lead me to overthink my choices. I’ve “reasoned” myself out of things that could’ve changed my life for the better, thinking I wasn’t capable, that I didn’t know how to train for them, or where to learn how to accomplish them, or who to talk to about them… my fear and my cowardice has stopped me from many different things.

It also doesn’t help that I’m a suspected empath.

I know some folks out there think people being empaths is some new-age bullshit, but since I can remember, I was the “perfect child” by just staying the hell out of the way or being there when needed, even before someone would ask. I could gauge others moods pretty well, and when they were blank, I just stayed away and didn’t engage. The few times I did try to engage in conversation or to get a read on someone “blank” so I could help them out somehow, it often led to sarcasm, annoyed dismissal, or lashing out at me.

I always got a better read on how others around me were feeling than what I myself was feeling. I tended to take in their feelings and internalize them. If someone was having an awful day, I started to feel the same. If someone was excited, I could be excited, too. That’s probably where my sports bar job comes in handy most on game days: I wear a smile without a conscious effort to keep it because of the positive vibes around me. When I’m surrounded by negativity, though… I have to tread VERY carefully and fight not to be dragged down.

I’m surprised I didn’t get ulcers from the 2016 and 2020 election messes… many people I could no longer speak to because of the anger and vitriol online, and I had to create my own peace in isolation because being around people hurt like hell.

Being more in tune with other people’s emotions than your own makes things difficult interpersonally. If you’ve learned to make yourself small to make others feel better or not inconvenience them, when you sense a shift in their emotions to a different extreme, it’s like you want to buffer that and say or do something to maintain the status quo emotional state. It’s not like someone told you to “make yourself small,” just a reflexive habit that’s made it difficult to trust yourself when that’s the person you need to learn to trust most.

My “whatifs” stem from my lack of belief in myself that I’m trying to correct. I had opportunities I didn’t know how to capitalize on because I’d overanalyze the pros and cons until I gave up. I’ve lost out on jobs, friendships, trainings, and efforts for self-improvement mentally and physically due to these “whatifs.” Change is a given in life, and I’ve watched others who refused to change wither away.

That’s more frightening to me than the scenarios I’ve talked myself out of. It’s slow going, though, trying to make so many changes for the better. The trouble is, because they’re health related, you really can’t have some changes without implementing others. Sleep-nutrition-exercise are all part of a triangle that needs to be stable. Trying to improve only one aspect without the others is futile. I’ve discovered this to be true the past year… it’s just rough trying to implement it with consistency. But when I get those 3 things working together (the few times I’ve managed), I feel like I can move mountains!

My goal this week (I have 2 days off and am hoping to get some more research and exercise done) is to work on these “whatifs” and really find out what I need to succeed in the next 228 days (and beyond). I am tired of dreaming big only to wake up and see that I’ve gone back to the status quo. My own hellish “Groundhog Day” that needs to end.

Those “whatifs” need to become “Goforits” and “Whythehellnots” and “Youcandoits” and…